Sling some pike in - that'll thin 'em out a bit

New signs have appeared in the village and there are men with clipboards surveying the Village Pond.

Veronica, the Vicar's Wife and the Village Shop Lady are being interviewed by a TV crew. The Village Pub is a-buzz with rumours that this has nothing to do with Chip Van-gate, the media interest focussing more on ducks than the lack of takeway food outside the Vicarage on Friday night.

Hanging baskets and herbaceous borders are being pecked clean. Washing is disappearing from washing lines, the culprits (allegedly) leaving a trail of feathers leading to the Village Pond. Those living close to the water's edge find their 4x4s sometimes fail to start for the school run, as duck down clogs up air intakes.

Something clearly has to give, I agree with Malcolm, as we sip pints of Shuck and watch the media circus on the Village Green from the beer garden of the Village Pub.

"I reckon you ought to sling some pike in there. They'd soon thin 'em out a bit," he whispers. "I know someone's already tried, they just bought the wrong fish, some sort of carp or something, yah..?

"Might help get the parish council on-side if you ever fancied building an extension - you know, scratch my back and all that."

I raise my glass as I consider the ethics of breaking Section 30 of the Salmon and Freshwater Fisheries Act in order to obtain planning permission for my new extension. A pair of ducks skim overhead on their final approach to the Village Pond, narrowly missing the camera crew interviewing Veronica, the Vicar's Wife, and the Village Shop Lady.

I think back over a summer briefly dominated by the saga of the pike in the Village Pond that turned out to be a grass carp, which culminated in the invention of the Sausage Roll Rig, before I make my excuses and leave.